TW – Please note this post talks about my personal story of not experiencing motherhood. Please refrain from reading if this is a difficult subject for you right now.

I am going to let you into a little secret, I turned 33 in the last week. I can’t believe how much time has raced by, it feels like yesterday when I first entered my 30s. Birthdays in your 30s are funny affairs really because where once upon a time your birthday signified excitement for the future, now they are reminders of another year gone and what I do not have.

I have spoken before on this blog and other publications I have written for, about the fact I still live at home, am unable to work and have no partner. But today I want to talk about the fact I have no children, more than that the possibility of maybe never having children.

First things first this is my experience – this isn’t the golden rule across all people with chronic illness or people with my specific illnesses even. On a similar note there are many people out there who can’t and don’t want children and that is as valid as people who do. This is my personal story, no-one else’s.

It goes without saying there are many ways to have a baby nowadays and there are many children in the world looking for a home, but there are many reasons why a child/children may not be part of my future and they are not all physical. I do have potential issues in relation to my hormones which may mean conceiving will be difficult, but I also have to consider my health in general, oh and my lack of partner which I would need immensely for support. Because rightly or wrongly, whether I gave birth to a child or not, I would need help not only with them, but myself too.

Facing up to the difficulty of motherhood however, doesn’t mean it takes the longing for it away. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept and it doesn’t take away the void of knowing it is potentially another area of my life which I have to lose out on.

What makes it so much harder is when you get to this age, everyone you know (and I mean everyone) is also at the stage to be starting families. It actually dawned on me the other day, that every person who I went to school with is either married or has kids, or both. I can’t help, but feel excluded and out the loop because it is yet another element of life I cannot relate to. More than that though it makes me feel envy, not because I am not happy for others, but because it is another reminder of the fact my life is so disconnected to those I knew before. They have the life I may never have, no matter how much I want it. Not being in that position myself quite frankly at times makes me feel like a failure, that I am not living the life I always thought I would ultimately get to.

I always thought when I first became ill in my twenties, that no matter how hard life was then that somehow when I got to this stage in life it would have somehow worked itself out, that I would have found someway to make it work. Yet here I am at 33 still clueless if it will or can work out.

Having my own emotions is one thing, but then you get the opinions and thoughts of everyone else to throw into the mix too, just to make it that tad worse. The pitiful looks and the insinuations that I wouldn’t be able to cope anyway, so why would I be that bothered. Almost like being chronically ill exempts me from the motherhood gene and I should just accept it and move on, all whilst someone else who is dealt a similar blow is smothered in tea and sympathy. The pain is no different, yet somehow when you are someone who is dealt knock after knock, you are expected to stop feeling.

Whilst other people annoy me, it is my body I have the fight with. Feeling it is letting me down yet again, why can’t it just let me be happy for once and experience life in the way somebody my age should? Why should the most natural aspects of life become such a bloody mission? Nevertheless it is sitting here talking to you about the blame I place on my body that I start to think about how much good my body does. Yes it showers me with pain and fatigue and a multitude of other symptoms, and whilst in fact my own body does attack me, it is also battling to keep me going each day. It’s my body that allows me to enjoy the little things in life, that enables me to sit here and write this now, and for that I am grateful.

So, with all this in mind, I often ponder well what am I going to do if having a baby isn’t in my future. I am sure many a self-help guru would suggest reconnecting with myself and find another focus in my life. The only problem being most of what I want to have a focus on, is also off my extremely wobbly table. At this moment in time, I am unsure of what I want in life, what my focus should be, nevertheless I will never give up hope for better times ahead.

I guess I wrote this piece today because I wanted to share my feelings with other people who may be in a similar boat as me. I wanted to share that how you feel is valid regardless of what other people think. That it is ok in life to not be ok, to admit you have worries, and to be open about the fact you have no idea where you are going. More than that – to know that it’s ok to not have all the answers no matter the age you may be.