Well, where do I even start? I guess hello, how are you would be a great intro. It is mad I have come back after all this time away and it feels like I cannot even remember how to formulate a post. So bear with me, if things go a bit awry.
Before we go any further let me issue a TW as the following talks about mental health and fertility/not having children. Please refrain from reading if this is not a suitable subject for you at this time.
It has been a long old time, but I am eventually back. For how long for I cannot say, but hopefully today will be the start of getting back into the swing of things. So where have I been, and why have I been gone for so long? What can I say other than the last four months – actually the last eight months – no in fact 2022 has probably been one of the hardest periods of my life. Quite a bold statement considering I live with multiple chronic illnesses, but it is true.
You know how you have a row of dominos, and you push one and watch the others fall one after another, it has been a bit like that. Just one thing after another with no respite. It started with the stress of moving (which then never happened), and having to recover from the mental and physical strain this put on my mind and body, and believe me when people say moving it is one of the most stressful things you can do they aren’t lying. This was then followed by the unexpected passing of a family friend, then family issues and this was alongside my health being at an all time low. I am happy to say I finally have an appointment for an undiagnosed issue I have and I am hoping this is going to get me on track and give me some sense of control.
In addition to this, the last year has brought up a lot of deep rooted worries I have regarding being disabled and living with the types of conditions I have. All of which has put me in a dark place mentally. Issues such as being a burden, fears for my future, feeling left behind and the ever-growing realisation that I will probably never become a mother. These topics are things I would definitely love to write about in more detail in separate posts as there is so much to it and they are interwoven with many different elements.
I guess you could say I have been grieving in some ways. Which saddens me and angers me all in one go. I say this because I have grieved many times for my life with regards to chronic illness (which took me a hella long time) and I thought I was past it. But I realise now that my grief periods before were all for separate topics – although entwined. Firstly I grieved for the life I had before becoming ill, and the life I had planned, and the second time it was for the loss of my career due to illness. Trust me when I say I went through every stage imaginable – anger, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Like I said I thought I was over it now – that I had accepted my life wont be the same or how I had hoped, that my career or in fact my ability to work full stop had to be sacrificed in order to just survive each day.
I wrongly believed when I grieved, I had mourned for everything my conditions had taken from me and then 2022 happened. Last year was the year that both my siblings became parents. One has a baby and the other is about to . Last year was also the year I found out that due to a multitude of reasons including health, fertility, age, lack of partner and medication this is looking less and less likely to be in my future. I was even told that in the off chance there was a slight possibility I should consider freezing my eggs like asap. Able bodied people really do not have a clue when it comes to the bank balance of a disabled person on benefits, do they? I couldn’t even dream of getting that type of money especially when there are no guarantees it would work.
Even without these million and one obstacles, I got thinking. Could I look after a child? On my own or otherwise? And the honest answer is no, I don’t think I could. Don’t get me wrong there are many many disabled and chronically ill people that have children and thrive, but with my particular symptoms in my particular body with my set of circumstances, I would struggle. That’s when the reality hit me and the heartache began, and it hasn’t really stopped. It doesn’t help that it is baby chat central in my life right now either.
So, what am I doing about it? I have spoken before about new years resolutions and how they are not my bag, but setting goals is an alternative. You can read my article here on the pros and pressures of goal setting if you missed it. Nothing crazy mind, just slow and steady. Right now I am just doing little bits in each area of my life which makes me feel like I am moving forward. Because I think that is the key – moving forward and having a focus in my own world so I stop being getting caught up in others.
I think if there is anything I want from 2023 it is this – to reconnect with who I am and what makes me truly happy. To find peace. And I guess I’d love to take you guys along for the ride.
Like I said earlier, some topics I would like to talk about further mainly to get them out of my own head, but I also want to get back to doing things that act as distractions. Book reviews here we come! Part of me thought about making a second blog to do those types of bits and bobs on, but I thought no this has always been a bit of a jumble so why change it – it either takes your fancy or not, if not move onto something that does. I won’t be offended.
I am probably going to wrap up now, but I would like to say a massive thank you to anyone who has continued to visit my site since my break and who has shared any of my work on social media. I am truly grateful. I know I have some comments I haven’t responded to purely because I haven’t logged on here in so long – I will get to them, better late than never. Speaking of socials I was surprised by how much it has changed recently. Not sure I really need to see how many people have seen my tweets and scrolled on past – but there you go.
As I do not have a set timetable of when I am blogging yet, it is a go with the flow, how I feel on any given day kind of vibe, make sure to give me a follow if you want to keep updated with any new stuff.
Well, you lovely people I’ve done it – an actual blog post!! Party poppers at the ready! Or perhaps I will just go and have a much needed rest with a hot water bottle.
Until next time, stay safe