When I decided to write this blog I wanted to bring something to my corner of the blogging world that I had struggled to find when I was first diagnosed many years ago. As much as I wanted to talk about tips and practical things to try I also wanted to talk about the feelings and emotions you experience when you have a chronic illness which I didn’t think for one minute I would feel. The biggest being the feeling of loss.

Naively, stupidly or just through lack of understanding I didn’t think an illness could make you feel loss not only in possessions or money but through yourself as a person. I also thought because I was so young when I was diagnosed how could I miss something I never had but that is just it; something I never had. This was therefore a loss of my future self, the one I had envisioned alongside the ‘what ifs’ and the maybes.

When I left my job I felt an overwhelming sense of what now and couldn’t get my head around where to go from there; what my purpose was. I also couldn’t handle accepting my illnesses and the fact my life had to change in a way I did not want it to. It was feeling like this that lead me to seek out a counselling service as I felt like I couldn’t truly express myself to anyone else without upsetting them or making them feel uncomfortable so a stranger was just what I needed. Counselling was hands down one of the best things I have done since becoming unwell as it allowed me to express myself without apology be that sadness or anger, self-indulge about my situation and actually get everything going on in my brain out there. I ended up having counselling for just over a year as I will admit it took me a long time to see the bigger picture and break down those rigid belief systems I had in my life.

In later blog posts I am going to discuss specific events in my life that chronic illness has made me experience loss including work, relationships and parenting so I shall leave those topics for now and focus on the loss of the person you once were.

Feeling you have lost yourself is hard for anyone regardless of your situation but knowing you cant go back to being that person because it would be detrimental to your health can be soul destroying. I don’t necessarily mean personality traits (unless you are someone who doesn’t stop to breathe) but the way you look at life and deal with it. There is definitely some truth in the saying ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results’ – you think sticking to your old ways is going to change everything when really it isn’t. If it was making you feel crap before chances are it still will. Changing your thought processes is one of the best ways to challenge this behaviour and understanding you have to make yourself if not ‘the’ then one of the top priorities in your life is another; it is not selfish it is sensible.

As strange as this may seem loosing who you were and who you thought you would be can lead you to feelings of grief. Loss is loss at the end of the day wherever it be a family member, a pet, a job or of a side of you that is no longer achievable. There is no rigid sequence but you may experience feelings of denial, anger, sadness, bargaining before reaching acceptance. Acceptance is hard but once you reach it (regardless of how long it takes – I am only just getting there after 7 years) it will make everything that much easier.

All these feelings are normal to feel you are not on your own feeling them. It hurts and it doesn’t make you weak admitting that. When the time is right for you, you will begin to see the excitement in becoming the new you with your new way of thinking and priorities. It can become interesting thinking about how you are now going to live your life (horrible illness and symptoms aside) and what your new goals are going to be. Embrace it this is a brand new you and you are amazing!