Month: Apr 2021

Celebrations · Chronic Illness · Mental Health · Top Posts

Me, Myself and Chronic Illness Blog’s First Birthday!!!

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Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Me, Myself and Chronic Illness Blog (bit of a mouthful), Happy Birthday to you!!

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, this week marks the first birthday of my blog. I can’t believe it has been a whole year since I started sharing my stories and life with you. With this in mind, I thought this week I would celebrate the journey of my blog by discussing the highs and lows the blog has brought me, my future plans and my most popular and favourite blog posts of the year.

The Highest of Highs and the Lowest of Lows

When I started Me, Myself and Chronic Illness I was in a place in my life, where I had all these churned up emotions about being chronically ill. Thoughts and feelings that would run round and round in my head, and ultimately a feeling of not being understood wherever I went. I started the blog with the intention of sorting out my own thoughts and essentially having my own space to rant, with the hope maybe one or two people would read it along the way.

What actually happened was this and much more. As alongside my own space to organise my thoughts and emotions, I found people were reading what I actually wrote and it has allowed me to grow in confidence with my writing, as well as find that last bit of acceptance of my conditions that I didn’t realise I was still looking for. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with the internal battle from time to time, but then I jump on here and things feel that little bit better.

Nevertheless, as with most things in life, when there are highs there are also lows. The main being my need of wanting the blog to grow. Blogging can be addictive at times and the want to share content can be consuming, the down side being to share content and reach more people, you need to promote your blog. Promoting your blog is DIFFICULT, especially when you don’t have the energy to engage in social media, or the know how even. So what does someone like me do? Compare myself to others of course. I see how many followers other bloggers have and how many people read their posts and I berate myself for not being at that level. I then question myself about whether carrying on with the blog is really worth it, when there are so many bloggers out there and I want to give up…

… then I have a better day and think get a grip. Remember your reasons for starting the blog in the first place, it was for me, to have a space of my own and it was to write pieces that resonate with one or two people. Does it really matter how many people are reading this, as long as I am enjoying making the content and the people who read it are?

I do have a long winded answer for this, but in short no, it doesn’t matter not really. Success looks differently to everyone and the second I start comparing to others, the second I start moving away from my success and focus on someone else’s (crap! I started going long winded didn’t I?)

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

My Posts

In summary I have written 62 blog posts which have covered everything from symptoms and living with specific conditions to family and work, with a couple of more ‘fun’ posts thrown in the mix.

My most popular posts (based on views)

My favourite posts

  • Symptom of the Week – This isn’t so much one of my favourites, but the symptom of the week section I did took a lot of energy and as a result was a huge relief when I finished it. Saying that I do have a few new symptoms to discuss so watch this space…
  • Hobby Piece – National Gallery of Ireland – I really enjoyed writing a piece based on a passion of mine, and the opportunity to indulge in one of my hobbies.
  • A Poem To Those Who Knew Me Before – As part of World Poetry Day I decided to pen my own poem and was really surprised how much I enjoyed it.
  • Boost Your Self-Esteem Month – Writing pieces about mental health especially those that are tip based is really important to me. It took me a long time as a chronic illness sufferer to realise how important my mental health was, not just my physical.
  • Personal Piece – How I Feel About Possibly Never Having Children – This is probably my most poignant personal piece to date. It felt really therapeutic writing about my fears and hopefully sharing with those who feel the same.

The Future of Me, Myself and Chronic Illness Blog

My goal for the blog was to get it to the year and see where I was at with it. I wanted to see if it was viable to take it more seriously financially (as the eagle eyed amongst you may notice this is on a free site) and how I felt about it mentally.

At this moment in time, I still feel I have a lot more content in me which I would like to share. I am not sure financially if it is viable to move to a paid option (plus I wouldn’t know how), so I may keep this on the back burner for now.

One plan I have is to start a Pinterest account to go along with my Twitter and Facebook, oh and to finally fill out that Contact Me tab.

My next blog post I am going to go into a bit more detail about the structure of my posts going forward, so if you would like to hear more about the type of posts I have planned stay tuned for the next post.

One final note…

Before I go, I wanted to finish off these birthday celebrations by saying a massive thank you to anyone who has followed me or who has ever taken the time to read any of my blog posts, even if it has been one.

Living with any type of chronic illness, energy is limited at the best of times. So to know you have used up some valuable energy to read my musings makes me feel privileged. Your support means the world to me and every like or view you have given has filled my heart and made me feel I have a voice. Because ultimately this is what Me, Myself and Chronic Illness is about: knowing your not alone.

Much love

Sarah xx

Chronic Illness · Guilt · Mental Health · Personal

The Guilt of Having Good Days

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The strangest thing happened to me a few weeks ago – I had two days in a row with next to no symptoms, or to be more specific two days of less bothersome symptoms. Two whole days! One after another! I have to confess the days after were pretty horrific, but let’s not focus on those today, instead I want to talk about those good/better days.

I get symptom free days once in a blue moon, and here I had two. I actually couldn’t believe it when it happened, in fact I thought I had filled my symptom diary out wrong, and you know something the overriding emotion I felt was of guilt.

Guilt, not happiness or relief, but guilt. Guilt that my body had allowed me this temporary rest break because chronically ill people are supposed to be ill all the time right? And if I am not then well, maybe I am not as ill as I think I am. Maybe I am faking, and maybe all the people who have ever doubted me are right after all.

As destructive as this way of thinking sounds, this is what having good days does to me. It makes me worry how this comes across to other people and how they may judge me for having this rare treat. I say this because in my experience people who don’t have chronic illness expect someone like me to be ill every minute of every day and when your not, well you can’t be as bad as you make out then.

Sometimes I feel like maybe my illnesses threaten others, or makes them feel embarrassed so maybe they are trying to find something to say to take the edge off. Maybe people just want me to get better, so when they think I am doing ok they interpret it as I am making some miraculous recovery. Whatever the reason, it is unhealthy for me to have taken on those beliefs too.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

The reality is my better days would probably equal some people’s worst, so why do I beat myself up? I beat myself up because society makes me beat myself up, because unless I am looking like I have just rolled out of bed, in baggy old clothes, with big dark eyes then I really can’t stake a claim on illness.

It’s funny really because I wouldn’t ever quiz someone who has been ill or under the weather when they are able to do something, I would just accept it, so why do others feel they have to when it comes to chronic illnesses? In the same vane, you don’t see ‘normal’ employees being made to feel guilty for having their annual leave, yet chronic illness is a full time job, so surely I am entitled to some holiday leave too. I mean they even get days in the week or the weekend off, chronic illness is a year long affair with no bank holidays, birthdays, Christmas, summer holiday breaks booked in.

Jokes aside let me get a bit geeky for a moment, when you really think about it I on average have 2-4 less problematic symptom days a month, never usually consecutive (so this month I was extremely lucky). On average there are 30 days in a month (thank you google!) and 365 days in a year. So, if I use my average of less problematic symptom days that equals 3 days in every 30, or 36 days out of 365 which I would classify as ‘better’ days. 36 days a year wow, that is pretty mind blowing.

The reality is you can’t compare chronically ill lives with those that aren’t, the challenges are different as much as the accomplishments are. By allowing myself to feel guilt over my good days all I am doing is comparing my life to those who are different to mine, and allowing the negative viewpoints to engulf me. Having a good day is something to seize, something to enjoy and something to be proud of. No longer will I be made to feel ashamed because this body is mine and if I have to endure the lows, I am going to make damn sure I embrace the highs too.

Chronic Illness · Parenting · Personal

Personal Piece – How I Feel About Possibly Never Having Children

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TW – Please note this post talks about my personal story of not experiencing motherhood. Please refrain from reading if this is a difficult subject for you right now.

I am going to let you into a little secret, I turned 33 in the last week. I can’t believe how much time has raced by, it feels like yesterday when I first entered my 30s. Birthdays in your 30s are funny affairs really because where once upon a time your birthday signified excitement for the future, now they are reminders of another year gone and what I do not have.

I have spoken before on this blog and other publications I have written for, about the fact I still live at home, am unable to work and have no partner. But today I want to talk about the fact I have no children, more than that the possibility of maybe never having children.

First things first this is my experience – this isn’t the golden rule across all people with chronic illness or people with my specific illnesses even. On a similar note there are many people out there who can’t and don’t want children and that is as valid as people who do. This is my personal story, no-one else’s.

It goes without saying there are many ways to have a baby nowadays and there are many children in the world looking for a home, but there are many reasons why a child/children may not be part of my future and they are not all physical. I do have potential issues in relation to my hormones which may mean conceiving will be difficult, but I also have to consider my health in general, oh and my lack of partner which I would need immensely for support. Because rightly or wrongly, whether I gave birth to a child or not, I would need help not only with them, but myself too.

Facing up to the difficulty of motherhood however, doesn’t mean it takes the longing for it away. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept and it doesn’t take away the void of knowing it is potentially another area of my life which I have to lose out on.

Photo by Jens Johnsson on Pexels.com

What makes it so much harder is when you get to this age, everyone you know (and I mean everyone) is also at the stage to be starting families. It actually dawned on me the other day, that every person who I went to school with is either married or has kids, or both. I can’t help, but feel excluded and out the loop because it is yet another element of life I cannot relate to. More than that though it makes me feel envy, not because I am not happy for others, but because it is another reminder of the fact my life is so disconnected to those I knew before. They have the life I may never have, no matter how much I want it. Not being in that position myself quite frankly at times makes me feel like a failure, that I am not living the life I always thought I would ultimately get to.

I always thought when I first became ill in my twenties, that no matter how hard life was then that somehow when I got to this stage in life it would have somehow worked itself out, that I would have found someway to make it work. Yet here I am at 33 still clueless if it will or can work out.

Having my own emotions is one thing, but then you get the opinions and thoughts of everyone else to throw into the mix too, just to make it that tad worse. The pitiful looks and the insinuations that I wouldn’t be able to cope anyway, so why would I be that bothered. Almost like being chronically ill exempts me from the motherhood gene and I should just accept it and move on, all whilst someone else who is dealt a similar blow is smothered in tea and sympathy. The pain is no different, yet somehow when you are someone who is dealt knock after knock, you are expected to stop feeling.

Whilst other people annoy me, it is my body I have the fight with. Feeling it is letting me down yet again, why can’t it just let me be happy for once and experience life in the way somebody my age should? Why should the most natural aspects of life become such a bloody mission? Nevertheless it is sitting here talking to you about the blame I place on my body that I start to think about how much good my body does. Yes it showers me with pain and fatigue and a multitude of other symptoms, and whilst in fact my own body does attack me, it is also battling to keep me going each day. It’s my body that allows me to enjoy the little things in life, that enables me to sit here and write this now, and for that I am grateful.

So, with all this in mind, I often ponder well what am I going to do if having a baby isn’t in my future. I am sure many a self-help guru would suggest reconnecting with myself and find another focus in my life. The only problem being most of what I want to have a focus on, is also off my extremely wobbly table. At this moment in time, I am unsure of what I want in life, what my focus should be, nevertheless I will never give up hope for better times ahead.

I guess I wrote this piece today because I wanted to share my feelings with other people who may be in a similar boat as me. I wanted to share that how you feel is valid regardless of what other people think. That it is ok in life to not be ok, to admit you have worries, and to be open about the fact you have no idea where you are going. More than that – to know that it’s ok to not have all the answers no matter the age you may be.

'Living with' Series · Anxiety · Mental Health · OCD

Living with… Mental Health

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We have finally made it to the final instalment of the ‘Living with…’ series – I mean it this time! We have covered Tourette’s, PCOS, UCTD, Fibromyalgia and M.E/CFS, and now we have made it to the mental health section.

First of all I have to say the title of today’s post bothered me somewhat, because technically we all have mental health whether it’s good or bad. So saying living with mental health sounds a bit strange, what I mean by this of course is mental health problems, and for me this is in the form of anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

So let’s start with anxiety. Anxiety according to the NHS website is a feeling of unease such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe. I think most people will have experienced anxiety in some capacity in their lives – it is a natural response associated with the fight, flight or freeze reaction. Anxiety becomes a problem however, when it interferes with your daily life.

There are actually many types of anxiety including social anxiety – a fear of social situations/interactions, specific phobias, panic attacks, and generalised anxiety disorder – where you may experience worry most of the time about things going wrong.

Negative symptoms associated with anxiety can include: feeling sick, needing the toilet, racing thoughts, insomnia, excessive sweating, going red, dizziness, shaking and in some severe cases chest pain to name a few.

OCD is also linked with anxiety, yet with OCD you are dealing with obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. So, an obsessive thought will be a thought that can be unwanted or unpleasant that can leave you feeling anxious, uneasy or at times disgust. A compulsion is the act of doing something to take away and relieve the obsessive thought for short periods of time.

E.g. Germs – Obsessive thought – Worried about catching germs and becoming ill – Compulsive behaviour – Excessive hand washing

With the addition of Mental Health

When and how I got diagnosed

I have battled with anxiety since childhood in the form of Social Anxiety, and in my later years I developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I have always been someone who struggled with being judged and as a result I couldn’t form strong interactions or bonds with others. Whilst I have improved, I still suffer with anxiety to this day.

My OCD goes hand in hand with my anxiety in general, but I actually developed OCD when I was in my teens and I started seeing the first signs of my Tourette’s. My OCD and Tourette’s bounce off each other making the other that much worse. My OCD has evolved over the years from worrying about germs and things being switched off to fearing the health of others and things happening in an often dramatic fashion.

What I find different with Mental Health problems

The support available – I know there is still a long way to go when it comes to mental health services especially in recent times, but for me I was able to access several avenues when it came to my mental health which I have struggled to do with my physical conditions. I was able to go to support groups, have sessions with healthy minds, be offered medication and speak to a counsellor.

What I wish people knew about Mental Health problems

In terms of anxiety I wish people knew you can’t just snap out of it or pull yourself together, just because the situation doesn’t make them personally anxious. Pushing people isn’t helpful to the anxious person and in some cases can make you feel worse.

In terms of OCD, a lot of people will claim they are ‘so OCD’ because they like to be clean or because they make lists, and use it in a jokey manner. True OCD is these things to an extreme which can impact your daily life immensely. I wish people knew how much throw away comments can hurt people experiencing these things for real.

The most difficult things about living with Mental Health problems

The intrusive thoughts and doubts can have a negative impact on my other conditions. Especially when I have to deal with a dismissive doctor who tries to downplay my symptoms – my anxiety can allow their negative feedback to make me question myself.

Also the repetitive nature of OCD when it flares can increase the discomfort of my Tourette’s, therefore causing a issue for not just my mental, but physical state too.

What has having Mental Health problems taught me ?

I actually think having problems with mental health is what has taught me to understand mental health in it’s full glory. I am able to be more compassionate, open, sympathetic and thoughtful to not only myself, but to others too.

It has also taught me about me, and now that I am in my 30s I am more in tune with my thoughts and body then I think I would have ever been without my struggles. Understanding my mental health has allowed me to put my physical health first and start to look after all of me, not just parts.

For more information on OCD you can read my symptom of the week post here.

Here we have it, we have come to the end of the ‘Living with…’ series. I hope you have found it helpful learning about how I live with my various conditions. Until next time xx