An Introvert – A shy, reticent person. A person who is often described as quiet, reserved, passive, rigid, silent.

I am happy to say that at the age of 33 I am finally able to come to terms with the fact I am an introvert. Come to terms sounds a little odd when it is only just a word, but the connotations we put on being a shy person in society means that ironically, we often shy away at the notion of being one. Being an introvert implies a level of embarrassment often put upon us by extrovert people who are ‘so out there’ and confident that nothing you do can quite compare to their lavish lifestyle and personalities.

Whilst I now accept my introvert self there has been many moments in life where this has been difficult, fundamentally in regards to my health and interactions with others.

Anxiety vs Introversion

It is no secret if you have been following my blog or have read any of my previous mental health posts, you will know I have suffered with anxiety for the majority of my life. Anxiety in the form of generalised anxiety and OCD, but predominately social anxiety.

Having anxiety has meant I have always been someone who has avoided social situations, kept out of the limelight and tried to be invisible in group scenarios. When I was younger these situations would give me physical symptoms of nausea, shaking, uncontrollable butterflies and notable fear. So much so it stopped me participating in the same way with things as my peers would and interfered with my day to day life.

When I got a bit older I improved and tried to force myself into more social situations. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes I found myself experiencing the overwhelming symptoms of my social anxiety and sometimes I found I just didn’t enjoy being in these situations.

Yet I would push and push myself because that is what everyone around me wanted me to do. Being so quiet wasn’t healthy, being so painfully shy was not going to get me anywhere in life. Not wanting to engage with people was clearly a huge mental health issue waiting to happen. So, I would continue to force myself to please those around me even though I knew it wasn’t want I wanted.

It was only during a workshop I attended for anxiety and depression that this mentality changed, as the facilitator said something that changed my life. He said there was a big difference between wanting to be social and having anxiety hold you back, and just not enjoying being overly social. It was in this moment it hit me, yes in group scenarios with lots of people I didn’t know (or in some cases lots of people I did know) I experienced social anxiety, but in other situations whereby there was only one or two others I was avoiding this situations not because I was anxious, but because I just didn’t want to go – being around others was just not something I overly craved. My personality quite simply didn’t warrant being around others all the time.

My social anxiety was indeed a mental health disorder, but my introverted personality was just that an aspect of my personality. It wasn’t necessarily something to be worried about, it was part of who I am. Realising there was a difference between my introversion and my anxiety was incredibly refreshing and as a result helped me come to terms with who I am and not what others want me to be.

I except my introversion why can’t others?

The problem with having social anxiety alongside an introverted personality is the fact people assume the whole of my behaviour is associated with my mental health. Me not wanting to meet up with someone automatically equates to me being too ‘mentally unwell.’ Not that I may just not want to.

Of course being an introvert also impacts on how people deal with my chronic illnesses in general, and how it affects people’s perception on my not only my mental health, but physical health too. Maybe because I am so quiet or passive I must not know my own mind, and if I don’t know my own mind maybe I don’t know my own body or my own health.

Being in my 30’s causes more problems with people’s perception on my introversion because being in your 30’s you are expected to have your shit together and to be an overtly confident individual. That I should be able to take charge of my life and have my life set on this particular path – what people don’t understand is it is my chronic illness that has slammed the breaks on that, not my personality traits.

But that’s just it I am confident in who I am, I just don’t display that in a extrovert way. I don’t feel the need to hold attention in a room, or be the main attraction instead I prefer to listen than talk, I prefer to express myself through the written word, I am comfortable in my own company and I enjoy solitude.

Being in my 30’s and having anxiety is a slightly different ballgame. It holds me back from big social gatherings (although these days it is definitely not a loss), and if I were in a position to work it would definitely change the type of environment I would thrive in. But saying that taking my anxiety away wouldn’t change the person I am. I would still be an introvert.

The positives of being an introvert

It’s funny how much the words often used to describe an introvert are that of a person who is almost dialling it down in life. Someone who is taking a back seat, someone who is often overlooked. I feel it is on the contrary, it is just someone who is living life in a different way.

An introvert, A thoughtful, creative person. A person who I would describe as curious, loving, observant, committed, focused. Something and someone to be proud of.

Sarah xx