It’s been a few weeks now since I sat down at the computer and opened up my blog. Not because I have been particularly busy or because anything major has been going on, the reality is I just haven’t wanted to. Sounds a bit to the point I know, but I have always wanted this blog to be about honesty so here is mine.

Maybe I should be a bit more specific I haven’t wanted to, not because I am bored with the blog or anything like that. I have just felt like I physically and mentally couldn’t face creating a post. That my motivation had disappeared.

I think this was a result of a combination of things that seemed to come together at once therefore maybe hitting me harder than if each one had occurred separately and I lost myself for a while. Lost my focus, my vision and what was making me happy.

Firstly, as my last blog explained I went to hospital for my first face-to-face appointment in 18 months give or take – more than that it was my first proper trip out of my home for 18 months too. Of course this had an impact on my body in the days that followed (although thinking back I wonder if this impacted me for longer than I even realised). Secondly, I received another two diagnoses and whilst this hasn’t affected me emotionally, I think there was this internal mental battle of ‘when is this going to end’ to contend with. Thirdly, I had an extreme flare-up of one of my conditions that drained my whole being, physically, mentally, emotionally and in all ways possible. Finally, my writing bits received a barrage of rejections, let’s say ‘inputs’, people taking advantage, all wrapped up in a lot of me giving and not getting anything back, all of which couldn’t have come at a worse time. Reading this back it sounds a little cryptic, but I’m planning on writing a post on this specifically next time.

Having all these things hit me practically at once, I think I got inside my own head and the physical and mental exhaustion I would normally feel anyway extended into emotional exhaustion too. I found myself getting into the mindset of what is the point, why am I bothering? What is any of this really achieving? I had/have all these blogging ideas and things I want to share and write about, but my mind couldn’t find the words, my body couldn’t find the strength to sit and get on with it. It was in this moment I thought that maybe I had lost my ability to express myself, my ability to blog and maybe this was it.

We are a few weeks down the line and the fog in my brain has started to lift and I have started to see more clearly what the real issues are. The issue isn’t blogging because I love this blog and I love the content I have created for it. The issue is me not practising what I preach and not giving myself a break when the inevitable flare-up occurs. I forget how much living with five (plus two more) chronic conditions takes it out of me and even when I am in a flare I battle to carry on, no matter how much my body is saying no. As a result there is only one way I am heading – for an almighty crash!

Now more than ever before this is something I need to work on – especially as we have now entered the period of the year that is always the most difficult for me – Autumn. The change in light has an horrific impact on my health in general including my energy levels and ability to function. Therefore I know flares are coming and I need to learn to balance things sooner rather than later.

But maybe more than anything the issue is me putting myself at the end of the queue when it comes to care. Helping others, endless to-do lists, people’s opinions, not letting people who show no interest in my life down, this blog – all come before me and my health.

So what am I going to do about it?

• Take the time to prep for the Autumn/Winter months by revisiting my own blog post here – and take my own advice!

• Purchase a new SAD lamp/light to get that much needed light which will help me through the darker/colder months and ultimately my motivation

• Cut the crap from my life and all the things that don’t make me truly happy

• Get back blogging no matter how small – Blogging is such an important creative outlet for me and the benefits it brings to my mental health and my ability to accept my conditions are immense. They say to beat writers block and motivational setbacks, you just need to write, sounds silly right? But doing this blog post today in this manner has really helped.

• Give myself adequate time away from my blog and everything related to it – To truly put myself first, I need to have days/weeks where I completely disengage from my blog and social media. I am actually somebody who is rarely on social media, but even so I try to pop on it at some point everyday – this is really not helpful! Taking a step away on a regular basis will allow me to focus on what really matters.

• Go with the flow – A few months ago I talked about having a structure with my blog which consisted of having a week off to focus on other writing bits and pieces. Up until a few weeks ago this was working perfectly, and I would love to say I am going to go back to that, and maybe I will. However at this moment in time whilst I am still trying to get my mojo back I don’t want to put any pressure on myself, instead I want to blog when it feels right for me, however often that may or may not be.

Whilst this blog post may seem a little jumbled, (it is a reflection of my jumbled mind), I hope it has shown the honest side of blogging with chronic illness. There are times when you are so motivated all you want to do is write, write, write, like there isn’t enough space to get your thoughts down. Other times external factors – predominately health related – make you stop and re-evaluate everything you were striving for. It doesn’t mean it’s over, it means you just need to stop and take a breather from time to time.

Sarah xx