Category: Catch Up

Catch Up · Chronic Illness · Fertility · Mental Health · Parenting · Women's Health

My First Blog in Four Months

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Well, where do I even start? I guess hello, how are you would be a great intro. It is mad I have come back after all this time away and it feels like I cannot even remember how to formulate a post. So bear with me, if things go a bit awry.

Before we go any further let me issue a TW as the following talks about mental health and fertility/not having children. Please refrain from reading if this is not a suitable subject for you at this time.

It has been a long old time, but I am eventually back. For how long for I cannot say, but hopefully today will be the start of getting back into the swing of things. So where have I been, and why have I been gone for so long? What can I say other than the last four months – actually the last eight months – no in fact 2022 has probably been one of the hardest periods of my life. Quite a bold statement considering I live with multiple chronic illnesses, but it is true.

You know how you have a row of dominos, and you push one and watch the others fall one after another, it has been a bit like that. Just one thing after another with no respite. It started with the stress of moving (which then never happened), and having to recover from the mental and physical strain this put on my mind and body, and believe me when people say moving it is one of the most stressful things you can do they aren’t lying. This was then followed by the unexpected passing of a family friend, then family issues and this was alongside my health being at an all time low. I am happy to say I finally have an appointment for an undiagnosed issue I have and I am hoping this is going to get me on track and give me some sense of control.

In addition to this, the last year has brought up a lot of deep rooted worries I have regarding being disabled and living with the types of conditions I have. All of which has put me in a dark place mentally. Issues such as being a burden, fears for my future, feeling left behind and the ever-growing realisation that I will probably never become a mother. These topics are things I would definitely love to write about in more detail in separate posts as there is so much to it and they are interwoven with many different elements.

I guess you could say I have been grieving in some ways. Which saddens me and angers me all in one go. I say this because I have grieved many times for my life with regards to chronic illness (which took me a hella long time) and I thought I was past it. But I realise now that my grief periods before were all for separate topics – although entwined. Firstly I grieved for the life I had before becoming ill, and the life I had planned, and the second time it was for the loss of my career due to illness. Trust me when I say I went through every stage imaginable – anger, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Like I said I thought I was over it now – that I had accepted my life wont be the same or how I had hoped, that my career or in fact my ability to work full stop had to be sacrificed in order to just survive each day.

I wrongly believed when I grieved, I had mourned for everything my conditions had taken from me and then 2022 happened. Last year was the year that both my siblings became parents. One has a baby and the other is about to . Last year was also the year I found out that due to a multitude of reasons including health, fertility, age, lack of partner and medication this is looking less and less likely to be in my future. I was even told that in the off chance there was a slight possibility I should consider freezing my eggs like asap. Able bodied people really do not have a clue when it comes to the bank balance of a disabled person on benefits, do they? I couldn’t even dream of getting that type of money especially when there are no guarantees it would work.

Photo by Dom J on Pexels.com

Even without these million and one obstacles, I got thinking. Could I look after a child? On my own or otherwise? And the honest answer is no, I don’t think I could. Don’t get me wrong there are many many disabled and chronically ill people that have children and thrive, but with my particular symptoms in my particular body with my set of circumstances, I would struggle. That’s when the reality hit me and the heartache began, and it hasn’t really stopped. It doesn’t help that it is baby chat central in my life right now either.

So, what am I doing about it? I have spoken before about new years resolutions and how they are not my bag, but setting goals is an alternative. You can read my article here on the pros and pressures of goal setting if you missed it. Nothing crazy mind, just slow and steady. Right now I am just doing little bits in each area of my life which makes me feel like I am moving forward. Because I think that is the key – moving forward and having a focus in my own world so I stop being getting caught up in others.

I think if there is anything I want from 2023 it is this – to reconnect with who I am and what makes me truly happy. To find peace. And I guess I’d love to take you guys along for the ride.

Like I said earlier, some topics I would like to talk about further mainly to get them out of my own head, but I also want to get back to doing things that act as distractions. Book reviews here we come! Part of me thought about making a second blog to do those types of bits and bobs on, but I thought no this has always been a bit of a jumble so why change it – it either takes your fancy or not, if not move onto something that does. I won’t be offended.

I am probably going to wrap up now, but I would like to say a massive thank you to anyone who has continued to visit my site since my break and who has shared any of my work on social media. I am truly grateful. I know I have some comments I haven’t responded to purely because I haven’t logged on here in so long – I will get to them, better late than never. Speaking of socials I was surprised by how much it has changed recently. Not sure I really need to see how many people have seen my tweets and scrolled on past – but there you go.

As I do not have a set timetable of when I am blogging yet, it is a go with the flow, how I feel on any given day kind of vibe, make sure to give me a follow if you want to keep updated with any new stuff.

Well, you lovely people I’ve done it – an actual blog post!! Party poppers at the ready! Or perhaps I will just go and have a much needed rest with a hot water bottle.

Until next time, stay safe

Sarah xx

Catch Up · Chronic Illness · Mental Health · Personal · Symptoms · Women's Health

Catch Up with Me, Myself and Chronic Illness – September 2022

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TW – Discussion on mental health – please refrain from reading if this isn’t a topic suitable for you at this time.

I cannot believe it has been approximately two months since I said hello. This has been the longest time I have ever been away from here. With this in mind I think today would be an appropriate time for us to have a good old catch up. Having a catch up can only mean one thing – I have been struggling. I say this because when I have been through periods of struggle this is how I get back on track, I come back on here, have a therapeutic rundown of what’s gone on and try to move forward. I guess you could say this place is my therapy.

I feel I am going to repeat myself for the hundredth time by saying my health has been very up and down again, but sadly it’s the truth. Well maybe not exactly the truth because I am starting to see some patterns in my symptoms in relation to one of my conditions. So whilst it is very up and down I can for some part see it coming. This is great I would have once told myself, but actually knowing makes zero difference because I cannot stop it or ease it even, I just have to get through. And I’ll be honest there are times when I don’t know if I can.

One of the most difficult things regarding this condition (an undiagnosed gynaecological issue) is that the flare up is taking two – two half weeks of my month every month – and this is without my other conditions. If you follow me on social media you will see me regularly posting that ‘I am trying to get on top of messages and comments’ or that ‘I have been in another flare’ because in reality for big portions of this time I am just too ill to function.

Without going into too much detail the flare up follows a regular pattern of symptoms with various stages of severity, and the final stage is torture. This part includes fatigue, exhaustion, headaches, foggy head all rolled into one that is so severe my mental health goes to an all time low, and when my mental health dips that’s when I am in trouble. I say this because whilst my physical symptoms dramatically affect my life, I can still escape in my head. Escape for me comes in the form of writing, reading, crafting, even daydreaming. When fatigue and foggy brain hit alongside a real alteration in my hormones, I cannot do this things – I cannot look at a screen, I cannot see words in a book and therefore my escape is gone, and I am left alone with my thoughts. Not just thoughts actually, but a real lack of motivation, or interest in much at all, and at times it gets quite dark. To a point where I didn’t even know if I wanted to blog anymore. That anything I had to say was boring or pointless, or that any idea I had I was unable to articulate in the right way so why bother.

I think essentially the over-riding feeling I feel in these episodes is one of being trapped, not knowing where I am going to go and what I am going to do with my life whilst in this body. The what’s, the if’s and the maybe’s. But then the fatigue and exhaustion lifts, the hormones balance out again and the fog subsides and then things seem brighter again and my mental health slowly goes back to my normal.

The problem is I know it will probably be the case again next month. It’s ok, but not ok if you know what I mean. I guess I am happy that I have identified it, so when (or let’s be positive – if) it happens again I know it is hormonal and therefore it will pass. I just need to hold on to the fact I will get through to the other side even if it does take time.

I won’t lie though because I know the pattern with this particular condition, I am beating myself up something chronic (excuse the pun!) to get back on track. Because I already know I have approximately a week before the start of my symptoms begin again, and I feel this overwhelming need to make the most of now. Of course, I cannot predict if my other conditions are going to cause problems during this time, but even so I feel I need to do something before I can’t. I am pressurising myself because good days are becoming less, and I don’t want them to be.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

On top of this my household has suddenly decided now would be an excellent time to move house. Right when I am struggling and right at the time of year when things like my Fibro tend to get worse. The thing is there is never going to be a perfect time but it is just another stressor my body has to contend with. I have no proper place to write from, there are just boxes everywhere, and my Tourette’s is having a field day.

There are a few other things I am having to deal with that I may or may not share at a later date – it’s just a lot right now.

I hope this doesn’t sound like a rant. I feel this has been a bit all over the place, a bit like my head. Part of me thought about deleting it and starting again or just leaving it altogether, but then I thought why? This blog is supposed to be about the reality of living with chronic illness, and right now this is my reality.

This entry today has been more to refocus myself than anybody else let’s be honest. To help me move forward. Like I said at the start; this blog is my therapy.

I know I need to be kind to myself. But sometimes it is hard. It’s a time thing, a take it day by day thing. It will come, it always does.

In all honesty with a move on the cards and this consistent cycle of ill health I cannot say for sure when I will be back again. Hopefully it won’t be too long and you will stick around for when I do.

I hope if you have read this today that all is well for you, and at the very least you know you are not alone.

Sarah xx

Blog Update · Catch Up · Chronic Illness · Hospital · Mental Health · Personal

Catch Up with Me, Myself and Chronic Illness

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Hey Everyone – this week’s blog post is a little different to the norm, in the sense that rather than talk about one topic, I am going to have a catch up with you about lots of bits and pieces going on with me as well as the blog.

Physical Health

So, seeing as this is a blog about my chronic illnesses it only seems right to start with how things have been with my physical health. This is quite simple – the last month has been tough. Hence, perhaps the style of blog post I am writing today. I guess this is the nature of chronic illness yes, but having multiple chronic illnesses in particular. One thing subsides and another thing starts.

You can read my post on the challenges of living with multiple chronic illnesses – my top 5 dilemmas here.

As well as dealing with multiple symptom issues, I have also had a consultant appointment which had been delayed for two years. This revealed that the last letter sent to my GP (two years ago) had contained advice on putting me on a certain medication which never happened. I am still waiting on the medication even now.

I also had to have scan (for a separate issue) and am now awaiting results. Although the scan itself took less than an hour, it wiped out the whole of last week.

Exhaustion is a massive factor at the moment, making every little thing a struggle including being online. I browse things online and try to jump on here and there, but nothing major. I am trying to take each day as it comes – and hey I am here now so swings and roundabouts.

On the plus of not getting online much, I have managed to watch some great telly, and I have a lovely stack of books ready for when exhaustion wants to do one.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

Mental Health

Maybe non-surprising to myself, suffering physically has impacted me mentally. There are so many things I had planned to do creatively and that just isn’t happening when feeling so crap.

This then only makes other things happening in my life outside of chronic illness seem so much more difficult to deal with. The rejections sting a bit more, the advice brings me down when normally I would shrug it off. I think that may be my number one bug bare at the moment – places/businesses/charities etc. who claim to help people like me, actually doing the absolute opposite. Maybe, I will go into detail about this more sometime, but not right now instead I give myself permission to feel hard done by, and permission to fume.

Today has been a better day though, today I managed to get outside for the shortest of walks in the sun and today I had a better day symptom wise. Today I am filled with hope again and motivation, which is why I am here making this post.

My blog

In terms of Me, Myself and Chronic Illness blog I feel my fortnightly posting routine is working well for me. It feels enough to keep sharing my thoughts and ideas, yet spaced out enough that I don’t overdo it. If you do want to keep up to date with any new posts make sure to follow me on here or on social media.

It may or may not be obvious, but I have now added a search bar at the side of the post column. You can use this to type in any particular blog post categories you are looking for. I have also added a calendar so you can see what I have written each month.

I have lots of blog post ideas which I hope to share with you over the coming months, a nice mixture of fun based as well as tackling more serious topics, but we will see how things pan out.

In a nutshell

  • I am still enjoying blogging and feel I have better approach to it.
  • I like to describe the basics such as what a search box does (which lets face it was more for my own understanding than anyone else’s).
  • Health wise, I have been bounced around like a pinball machine with appointments here, symptoms there, which has made me feel a bit bleurgh mentally as well as physically.
  • People/places have pissed me off (could I be more vague!?!)
  • Today is a good day, I have eaten a crème egg, had cheese on toast, watched someone win some money on telly, chatted on here – what else do I need?

How has your week/month been? How would you put it in a nutshell?

Sarah xx