Category: Dating

Chronic Illness · Dating · Single Life · Single Life Series · Symptoms · Tips

Chronic Illness and the Single Life Series – The Challenges of Dating – Part 2

memyselfandchronicillness9 Comments

It’s another week and another blog post, and today we are continuing with our single life series and part 2 of the challenges of dating. For anyone who missed part 1 you can find it here.

Last time we covered the challenges of how to find a date and when to tell someone about your illness, this time we are looking at the challenge of how to handle a date and how to manage symptoms when on a date.

Challenge 3 – Handling a date

So you have secured a date (well done you), and you may or may not have made them aware of your condition/s, but now you have the tricky task of getting through the date, symptoms and all. The problem with a first date is it can be stressful whether you realise it or not, and the problem with chronic illness is the fact it loves to feed off stress. You may be thinking well what is the point then, but you really shouldn’t allow this to put you off.

Probably the most stressful part of a date is the fear of the unknown, the loss of control in knowing what is to come, so why not take back some of the control and take the lead in the actual date planning yourself. By taking the lead in planning your date you can be prepared for any potential issues that may arise and try to work around them before they happen. Going forward once you are more comfortable with your date and vice versa you can let them take more of the reins as hopefully the stress will subside, and they will understand your needs better.

By planning the date yourself you can look at factors which are more inline with what your chronic illness requirements are. Do you find your energy dips as the day goes on? Then opt for a daytime date. Are your pain levels high? Then choose an activity where you are sitting down. Feeling lethargic? Then sitting in a warm indoor environment probably won’t help, so why not suggest going for a gentle walk? Is eating a problem? Why not plan around that incorporating or leaving out food depending on your needs? Personally for me I have digestion issues so eating whilst stressed is not a great idea when I get mega bloating, but equally I have several times a day where I have to take medication with food, so maybe a snack rather than a four course meal would be a good middle ground.

I want to also point out that with current Covid times it is not possible for everyone to just go out on a date. I would class myself as one of those people, yet this doesn’t mean you or I need to miss out. As I mentioned in my last post there are many interactive things you can do online, or simply having a virtual date over video chat is more than enough. You can even set the scene to how you would like it – all from the comfort of your own home. Alternatively if you want to meet in person (and it is safe to) opt for outdoor settings still basing it on your needs.

Another key element to handling a date is to set yourself a time limit. Now you can choose to tell the other person this or just keep it to yourself to give yourself a target. Give yourself a realistic timescale based on how much energy you think you will use and try to bring it to a close before it gets too much. But most importantly stick to it! It can be difficult when you are getting on with someone to want to leave, but if you know your body needs it there is no harm in making sure it finishes when you planned it to. Plus, if you like each other that won’t matter in the long run as all you need to do is arrange to speak again.

Of course, as with all things it is personal choice – our bodies are all different and we all tolerate things at different levels. You may feel the payback is worth it or equally you may want to end the date even sooner than you planned due to any aggravating symptoms – there is no right or wrong.

Challenge 4 – Managing symptoms on a date

Let’s be honest for a minute – you can plan, plan, plan and still be symptom overloaded. So, what if this happens? My suggestions are as follows:

  • Do a bit more planning (ahhh! This is never-ending!), and try to rest up the day before, and prior to the date
  • Take any aids you need with you on the date e.g. medications
  • Research menus if in a scenario where you will be eating
Photo by William Fortunato on Pexels.com
  • Take time out on your own – Just because you are on a date doesn’t mean you have to be glued to them, you can take some time to regroup if you need time on your own. Make excuses to go to the bathroom, or take a phone call, or if online move away from the screen and have a breather
  • Practice relaxation techniques – This is hugely dependent on the symptom bothering you, but you may find practicing mindfulness and meditation helpful
  • Alternate between standing and sitting – Mixing up the activities on your date may help with symptoms such as tiredness and pain
  • Avoid alcohol
  • Keep snacks and drinks to hand – This can be helpful with nausea, dizziness and blood pressure issues
  • Cut the date short – If symptoms are too much there is no shame in cutting it short. Let’s be honest this is probably way better than carrying on and leaving an impression you are not interested because you are too distracted
  • Be honest – This is probably the thing that will benefit you the most in a dating scenario. Because let’s face it, it is obvious when someone isn’t enjoying themselves and unless you are a A-list actor you will probably have it written all over your face, and if you like them you really don’t want them thinking it is because of them. Being honest also allows your date to really understand not only you as a person, but your illnesses too. As cliched as this sounds you will know if they are the right one for you because they will be the one who accepts all of you – chronic illness and all – and they will be the one who sticks around long after a symptom filled date!

Here we have it my final challenges of dating with chronic illness. I hope you found this posts helpful and that they resonate with those of you who are single pringles like myself. This isn’t the end of the single life series as I would like to share further posts of my own experiences of the single life with chronic illnesses, and more posts surrounding dating, relationships, body changes and sex – so stay tuned. If there are any topics you would like me to cover in this series, as always just let me know.

Sarah xx

Chronic Illness · Dating · Single Life · Single Life Series · Tips

Chronic Illness and the Single Life Series – The Challenges of Dating

memyselfandchronicillness3 Comments

Another social media notification of yet another university friend getting married – woo hoo! I think this now makes me one of the only remaining singletons of the people I grew up with. Of course there is nothing wrong with being single, singledom definitely has it’s perks, and there are many an individual who have no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship, but what if you have?

In this modern world of dating there are many formats when it comes to being in a relationship. There is also a strong sense of not needing to be in a relationship to be happy. That is all great and I fly the single flag for all the singletons out there, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to experience one myself.

I am in my early thirties and I can count on one hand the amount of ‘relationships’ I have had in my life. Quality always tops quantity, but the problem is I haven’t had quality either. Part of this was because when I was younger I thought I would have all the time in the world to meet someone, and then I became ill. Being in your mid-twenties and feeling so terrible, quite quickly puts a stopper on all things social and as a result meeting anybody new. I guess as well as dealing with my symptoms, I was waiting for that day when I would suddenly feel better, which of course never came. Before I knew it a lack of dating went from months to years and as I now know I will never get better, it leads to the question how and when am I going to meet someone.

Putting aside the recent times of Covid, dating is difficult, even for non-chronically ill people, but being ill adds that extra level of pressure. From experiencing symptoms on a date, to knowing when and how you tell your date about your chronic illness life – there are many a challenge to have to contend with…

Challenge 1 – Where to find a date

As we have established being chronically ill equals not being particularly social (or in my case, not social ever!) so one of the most popular options for modern day dating is the internet. Internet dating is a very hit and miss scenario – I know people who have met their husbands/wives on dating sites and equally I know people who have only met idiots. My experience has been filled with not so great people, I even had one guy change his dating profile after speaking to me so it read that he was ‘looking for someone healthy.’ What a gent! Even without mentioning my illnesses though I found trawling through profiles incredibly draining and would find myself exhausted. But like I said it does work for some! If internet dating does appeal to you, but the type of sites you are using are not working then how about trying disabled dating sites instead. Disabled dating allegedly cater for both disabled and non-disabled people, but the beauty of sites like this is people are more likely to be accepting of your situation and that awkward conversation hopefully becomes less so.

Another option would to be to a date through others. This can be difficult if you don’t have many pals, but if you are lucky enough to have matchmaking friends this could save you the stress of trying to find a date yourself. Hopefully your friend would know you well enough to know the right type of person for you too!

Option three would be meeting someone through an activity you enjoy to establish a joint interest from the get go. Now I for one know how difficult this is with not only chronic illness, but also Covid and as someone who hasn’t be out their home for anything other than medical appointments and short walks for the last 16 months – this isn’t easy. One way of doing this would be to find interactive events online (hopefully such things will be accessible after restrictions ease) and to engage with these. Obviously these won’t be designed for dating, but it will help in building your confidence with talking to others in an environment in which you will be comfortable. Keep an eye out for upcoming posts in which I talk about different interactive hobby ideas.

Staying on the interactive theme for dating I have recently discovered such a thing as online speed dating. This could be a great way in ciphering through the rubbish without having to trawl through tedious profiles, all whilst staying in the comfort of your own home. Of course this could be extremely fatigue inducing, but it is a worthwhile option nevertheless and definitely something I will be considering going forward.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

Challenge 2 – When to tell someone about your illness

This is a very personal and individual choice that only you can decide. Do you get it out in the open from the get go, or do you wait until you feel comfortable enough with someone in the hope they will understand better? Of course depending on our specific chronic conditions ‘hiding’ it to begin with may not be an option based on our symptoms and condition management.

I have had experiences where I have leapt in and revealed my situation early on and was then ridiculed for it, and equally kept it to myself and was looked upon as not being honest.

I think sometimes it is a case of sussing somebody’s personality and what their values are in life. It is also important to know what they want from life too and whether that aligns with what you want. If someone is looking for a party buddy who wants to go out every night of the week, it’s probably a no go – I’ll be too busy sleeping! That said I think initial chatting (online or other) can be a great way to find out if this is somebody you feel comfortable with and moving forward divulge more details about your chronic illness.

Some people may not be comfortable with this, but the problem about chronic illness is the fact it is just that – chronic. It isn’t going anywhere, or at least not anytime soon, therefore it is part of our lives whether we like it or not. This only signifies the importance of finding someone understanding and accepting even more so.

Like with most things in a chronic illness life there are downsides to dating and sometimes this can rear it’s ugly head in the form of telling someone about your condition/s. As I mentioned earlier I have had people drop me quite quickly after hearing about my health (enter the knob who changed his profile) and I have been judged with all the usual flattering comments – ‘But, you don’t look ill,’ ‘Are you better yet?’ – That is always a fav, like I am going to awake one morning and it will be like nothing ever happened. The sad thing about dating, chronically ill or not, is that not everyone can like everyone and therefore people can and will judge. Sometimes you can bare your soul and sometimes the response you get may not be the one you want.

Saying that it is also about giving people a chance, not everyone you meet will be a grade A ****head. People can surprise you. Sometimes it is about taking a risk and putting yourself out there. It’s also about being honest about your illness and how it affects your life, but pointing out it is not your life. Sometimes when we are ill, it can be hard to see anything else in life, but we are more than an illness and sometimes it is about reminding ourselves of that not just potential partners.

So, our first two dating challenges are down – more to come in the part 2 instalment. FYI – The part 2 instalment is now available here. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with reading (and writing) big blog posts, so I thought on this occasion I would split this into two sections. Next time we shall focus on the challenges of handling a date and managing symptoms on a date. Make sure to follow the blog or my social media to look out for the next part and if there are any particular challenges you would like me to feature – make sure you let me know!

Sarah xx