Category: Parenting

Catch Up · Chronic Illness · Fertility · Mental Health · Parenting · Women's Health

My First Blog in Four Months

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Well, where do I even start? I guess hello, how are you would be a great intro. It is mad I have come back after all this time away and it feels like I cannot even remember how to formulate a post. So bear with me, if things go a bit awry.

Before we go any further let me issue a TW as the following talks about mental health and fertility/not having children. Please refrain from reading if this is not a suitable subject for you at this time.

It has been a long old time, but I am eventually back. For how long for I cannot say, but hopefully today will be the start of getting back into the swing of things. So where have I been, and why have I been gone for so long? What can I say other than the last four months – actually the last eight months – no in fact 2022 has probably been one of the hardest periods of my life. Quite a bold statement considering I live with multiple chronic illnesses, but it is true.

You know how you have a row of dominos, and you push one and watch the others fall one after another, it has been a bit like that. Just one thing after another with no respite. It started with the stress of moving (which then never happened), and having to recover from the mental and physical strain this put on my mind and body, and believe me when people say moving it is one of the most stressful things you can do they aren’t lying. This was then followed by the unexpected passing of a family friend, then family issues and this was alongside my health being at an all time low. I am happy to say I finally have an appointment for an undiagnosed issue I have and I am hoping this is going to get me on track and give me some sense of control.

In addition to this, the last year has brought up a lot of deep rooted worries I have regarding being disabled and living with the types of conditions I have. All of which has put me in a dark place mentally. Issues such as being a burden, fears for my future, feeling left behind and the ever-growing realisation that I will probably never become a mother. These topics are things I would definitely love to write about in more detail in separate posts as there is so much to it and they are interwoven with many different elements.

I guess you could say I have been grieving in some ways. Which saddens me and angers me all in one go. I say this because I have grieved many times for my life with regards to chronic illness (which took me a hella long time) and I thought I was past it. But I realise now that my grief periods before were all for separate topics – although entwined. Firstly I grieved for the life I had before becoming ill, and the life I had planned, and the second time it was for the loss of my career due to illness. Trust me when I say I went through every stage imaginable – anger, denial, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Like I said I thought I was over it now – that I had accepted my life wont be the same or how I had hoped, that my career or in fact my ability to work full stop had to be sacrificed in order to just survive each day.

I wrongly believed when I grieved, I had mourned for everything my conditions had taken from me and then 2022 happened. Last year was the year that both my siblings became parents. One has a baby and the other is about to . Last year was also the year I found out that due to a multitude of reasons including health, fertility, age, lack of partner and medication this is looking less and less likely to be in my future. I was even told that in the off chance there was a slight possibility I should consider freezing my eggs like asap. Able bodied people really do not have a clue when it comes to the bank balance of a disabled person on benefits, do they? I couldn’t even dream of getting that type of money especially when there are no guarantees it would work.

Photo by Dom J on Pexels.com

Even without these million and one obstacles, I got thinking. Could I look after a child? On my own or otherwise? And the honest answer is no, I don’t think I could. Don’t get me wrong there are many many disabled and chronically ill people that have children and thrive, but with my particular symptoms in my particular body with my set of circumstances, I would struggle. That’s when the reality hit me and the heartache began, and it hasn’t really stopped. It doesn’t help that it is baby chat central in my life right now either.

So, what am I doing about it? I have spoken before about new years resolutions and how they are not my bag, but setting goals is an alternative. You can read my article here on the pros and pressures of goal setting if you missed it. Nothing crazy mind, just slow and steady. Right now I am just doing little bits in each area of my life which makes me feel like I am moving forward. Because I think that is the key – moving forward and having a focus in my own world so I stop being getting caught up in others.

I think if there is anything I want from 2023 it is this – to reconnect with who I am and what makes me truly happy. To find peace. And I guess I’d love to take you guys along for the ride.

Like I said earlier, some topics I would like to talk about further mainly to get them out of my own head, but I also want to get back to doing things that act as distractions. Book reviews here we come! Part of me thought about making a second blog to do those types of bits and bobs on, but I thought no this has always been a bit of a jumble so why change it – it either takes your fancy or not, if not move onto something that does. I won’t be offended.

I am probably going to wrap up now, but I would like to say a massive thank you to anyone who has continued to visit my site since my break and who has shared any of my work on social media. I am truly grateful. I know I have some comments I haven’t responded to purely because I haven’t logged on here in so long – I will get to them, better late than never. Speaking of socials I was surprised by how much it has changed recently. Not sure I really need to see how many people have seen my tweets and scrolled on past – but there you go.

As I do not have a set timetable of when I am blogging yet, it is a go with the flow, how I feel on any given day kind of vibe, make sure to give me a follow if you want to keep updated with any new stuff.

Well, you lovely people I’ve done it – an actual blog post!! Party poppers at the ready! Or perhaps I will just go and have a much needed rest with a hot water bottle.

Until next time, stay safe

Sarah xx

Chronic Illness · Parenting · Personal

Personal Piece – How I Feel About Possibly Never Having Children

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TW – Please note this post talks about my personal story of not experiencing motherhood. Please refrain from reading if this is a difficult subject for you right now.

I am going to let you into a little secret, I turned 33 in the last week. I can’t believe how much time has raced by, it feels like yesterday when I first entered my 30s. Birthdays in your 30s are funny affairs really because where once upon a time your birthday signified excitement for the future, now they are reminders of another year gone and what I do not have.

I have spoken before on this blog and other publications I have written for, about the fact I still live at home, am unable to work and have no partner. But today I want to talk about the fact I have no children, more than that the possibility of maybe never having children.

First things first this is my experience – this isn’t the golden rule across all people with chronic illness or people with my specific illnesses even. On a similar note there are many people out there who can’t and don’t want children and that is as valid as people who do. This is my personal story, no-one else’s.

It goes without saying there are many ways to have a baby nowadays and there are many children in the world looking for a home, but there are many reasons why a child/children may not be part of my future and they are not all physical. I do have potential issues in relation to my hormones which may mean conceiving will be difficult, but I also have to consider my health in general, oh and my lack of partner which I would need immensely for support. Because rightly or wrongly, whether I gave birth to a child or not, I would need help not only with them, but myself too.

Facing up to the difficulty of motherhood however, doesn’t mean it takes the longing for it away. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept and it doesn’t take away the void of knowing it is potentially another area of my life which I have to lose out on.

Photo by Jens Johnsson on Pexels.com

What makes it so much harder is when you get to this age, everyone you know (and I mean everyone) is also at the stage to be starting families. It actually dawned on me the other day, that every person who I went to school with is either married or has kids, or both. I can’t help, but feel excluded and out the loop because it is yet another element of life I cannot relate to. More than that though it makes me feel envy, not because I am not happy for others, but because it is another reminder of the fact my life is so disconnected to those I knew before. They have the life I may never have, no matter how much I want it. Not being in that position myself quite frankly at times makes me feel like a failure, that I am not living the life I always thought I would ultimately get to.

I always thought when I first became ill in my twenties, that no matter how hard life was then that somehow when I got to this stage in life it would have somehow worked itself out, that I would have found someway to make it work. Yet here I am at 33 still clueless if it will or can work out.

Having my own emotions is one thing, but then you get the opinions and thoughts of everyone else to throw into the mix too, just to make it that tad worse. The pitiful looks and the insinuations that I wouldn’t be able to cope anyway, so why would I be that bothered. Almost like being chronically ill exempts me from the motherhood gene and I should just accept it and move on, all whilst someone else who is dealt a similar blow is smothered in tea and sympathy. The pain is no different, yet somehow when you are someone who is dealt knock after knock, you are expected to stop feeling.

Whilst other people annoy me, it is my body I have the fight with. Feeling it is letting me down yet again, why can’t it just let me be happy for once and experience life in the way somebody my age should? Why should the most natural aspects of life become such a bloody mission? Nevertheless it is sitting here talking to you about the blame I place on my body that I start to think about how much good my body does. Yes it showers me with pain and fatigue and a multitude of other symptoms, and whilst in fact my own body does attack me, it is also battling to keep me going each day. It’s my body that allows me to enjoy the little things in life, that enables me to sit here and write this now, and for that I am grateful.

So, with all this in mind, I often ponder well what am I going to do if having a baby isn’t in my future. I am sure many a self-help guru would suggest reconnecting with myself and find another focus in my life. The only problem being most of what I want to have a focus on, is also off my extremely wobbly table. At this moment in time, I am unsure of what I want in life, what my focus should be, nevertheless I will never give up hope for better times ahead.

I guess I wrote this piece today because I wanted to share my feelings with other people who may be in a similar boat as me. I wanted to share that how you feel is valid regardless of what other people think. That it is ok in life to not be ok, to admit you have worries, and to be open about the fact you have no idea where you are going. More than that – to know that it’s ok to not have all the answers no matter the age you may be.