I acted quickly, too quickly in fact which is strange for a procrastinator like me and now all I felt was panic, panic at what I had done and panic for what was going to happen and in this panic I could feel my grip on reality beginning to slip away.

I have experienced mental health issues in the form of anxiety for most of my life mainly in the form of generalised anxiety with a pinch of social anxiety thrown in the mix for good measure. I have a gift for catastrophising letting one thought move to another and then another until all of a sudden I have convinced myself I am responsible for everyone else. Once I went to the cinema and convinced myself I hadn’t turned off the tap in the bathroom sink, suddenly I had thoughts of the bathroom flooding, then the rest of the flat and being responsible for my family losing our home and our possessions. I couldn’t rest all through the film, all I could feel was my anxiety – when I got home the tap was turned off after all.

It wasn’t until I developed multiple chronic illnesses that my anxiety surrounding health really began. Having multiple illnesses that are debilitating is just that – debilitating with constant episodes of fatigue, dizziness, digestive issues etc. consuming your everyday life; the thought of catching other illnesses simply makes you paranoid. I was ill enough already I didn’t need anything else to add to the pile as even a simple cold could make me feel awful, but worse still trigger my other symptoms. Germs in a nutshell scare me, so much so that I would have to evacuate an area if someone sneezed, all for fear of catching something. Hand sanitiser has been an essential buy for me way before recent times as I would have to sanitise after every interaction I had, just in case I touched something then touched my mouth, eyes, nose, face, in fact anywhere on my body.

It was one Saturday afternoon that my panic set in; the day had been rather uneventful thus far and my mum had just left for work. It was very much early days with regards to the news of covid-19 but even these first mentions of the virus were making me nervous. So much so the second my mum left the house I decided I needed to disinfect certain areas in the home. Going into the bathroom I picked up some antibacterial wipes and peeled off the covering only for it to fall off and land in the toilet. My first initial thought was to flush it away but then my worry brain took over, anxious it would block the toilet. I tried using different objects to scoop it out but to no avail as the sticky bit of the cover had stuck to the bottom of the pan. It was then that I acted quickly like I said too quickly and I grabbed a rubber glove to put on and fish the covering out myself.

Now to the non-health anxiety eye that might not seem like a big issue or in fact an issue full stop and in fact may have been standard protocol for some people but the second I recovered the item and took the glove off, I went into a complete meltdown. All I could think was what had I done? What if I’ve caught something from the toilet or the toilet water? So I scrubbed and I scrubbed my hands even though the one hadn’t even gone in and the other had been fully covered. Then I hand sanitised, paced round my living room worrying myself sick and started the process again of scrub hands, sanitise over and over convinced that some fleck of a germ had invaded my body. All of a sudden I had the notion that if it was on my skin, it could be on my clothes too so I had to take all my clothes off and wash them right down to my underwear. After showering and putting on clean clothes I was paranoid that maybe my hair had been contaminated so had to wash it again even though I had already washed it that morning. The panic sent me into a frenzy of not only cleaning myself but rooms of the house just in case I had transferred germs from one place to another. I was catastrophising at the highest level believing my actions had contaminated the house which would make me ill and then put my mum at risk., I couldn’t think straight. I felt physically sick. I carried on this behaviour for five hours until my hands were red raw and sore and my mum returned home. Seeing her I broke down sobbing unable to take the mental anguish of what I had put myself through but speaking to her about my actions brought me to my senses and I realised how irrational my thinking had become.

Whilst I’d had episodes of overthinking, this was on one the first times I realised the damage my own mind could cause, and how much I struggled with stressful situations. I had accessed mental health services in the past alongside counselling and after reviewing my notes it opened my eyes to the concept of CBT and how your thoughts affect your behaviour and feelings. Although this is hard at times CBT has helped me to get hold of my thoughts before they get out of control. I have also learnt to manage my stress more by focusing on the things I can control and not the things I cant. Most of all I have learnt to be kinder to myself and accept me for me, because whilst my mental health is a struggle at times, I am trying my best which is all any of us can do.