Month: Jul 2021

Chronic Illness · Dating · Single Life · Single Life Series · Tips

Chronic Illness and the Single Life Series – The Challenges of Dating

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Another social media notification of yet another university friend getting married – woo hoo! I think this now makes me one of the only remaining singletons of the people I grew up with. Of course there is nothing wrong with being single, singledom definitely has it’s perks, and there are many an individual who have no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship, but what if you have?

In this modern world of dating there are many formats when it comes to being in a relationship. There is also a strong sense of not needing to be in a relationship to be happy. That is all great and I fly the single flag for all the singletons out there, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to experience one myself.

I am in my early thirties and I can count on one hand the amount of ‘relationships’ I have had in my life. Quality always tops quantity, but the problem is I haven’t had quality either. Part of this was because when I was younger I thought I would have all the time in the world to meet someone, and then I became ill. Being in your mid-twenties and feeling so terrible, quite quickly puts a stopper on all things social and as a result meeting anybody new. I guess as well as dealing with my symptoms, I was waiting for that day when I would suddenly feel better, which of course never came. Before I knew it a lack of dating went from months to years and as I now know I will never get better, it leads to the question how and when am I going to meet someone.

Putting aside the recent times of Covid, dating is difficult, even for non-chronically ill people, but being ill adds that extra level of pressure. From experiencing symptoms on a date, to knowing when and how you tell your date about your chronic illness life – there are many a challenge to have to contend with…

Challenge 1 – Where to find a date

As we have established being chronically ill equals not being particularly social (or in my case, not social ever!) so one of the most popular options for modern day dating is the internet. Internet dating is a very hit and miss scenario – I know people who have met their husbands/wives on dating sites and equally I know people who have only met idiots. My experience has been filled with not so great people, I even had one guy change his dating profile after speaking to me so it read that he was ‘looking for someone healthy.’ What a gent! Even without mentioning my illnesses though I found trawling through profiles incredibly draining and would find myself exhausted. But like I said it does work for some! If internet dating does appeal to you, but the type of sites you are using are not working then how about trying disabled dating sites instead. Disabled dating allegedly cater for both disabled and non-disabled people, but the beauty of sites like this is people are more likely to be accepting of your situation and that awkward conversation hopefully becomes less so.

Another option would to be to a date through others. This can be difficult if you don’t have many pals, but if you are lucky enough to have matchmaking friends this could save you the stress of trying to find a date yourself. Hopefully your friend would know you well enough to know the right type of person for you too!

Option three would be meeting someone through an activity you enjoy to establish a joint interest from the get go. Now I for one know how difficult this is with not only chronic illness, but also Covid and as someone who hasn’t be out their home for anything other than medical appointments and short walks for the last 16 months – this isn’t easy. One way of doing this would be to find interactive events online (hopefully such things will be accessible after restrictions ease) and to engage with these. Obviously these won’t be designed for dating, but it will help in building your confidence with talking to others in an environment in which you will be comfortable. Keep an eye out for upcoming posts in which I talk about different interactive hobby ideas.

Staying on the interactive theme for dating I have recently discovered such a thing as online speed dating. This could be a great way in ciphering through the rubbish without having to trawl through tedious profiles, all whilst staying in the comfort of your own home. Of course this could be extremely fatigue inducing, but it is a worthwhile option nevertheless and definitely something I will be considering going forward.

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Challenge 2 – When to tell someone about your illness

This is a very personal and individual choice that only you can decide. Do you get it out in the open from the get go, or do you wait until you feel comfortable enough with someone in the hope they will understand better? Of course depending on our specific chronic conditions ‘hiding’ it to begin with may not be an option based on our symptoms and condition management.

I have had experiences where I have leapt in and revealed my situation early on and was then ridiculed for it, and equally kept it to myself and was looked upon as not being honest.

I think sometimes it is a case of sussing somebody’s personality and what their values are in life. It is also important to know what they want from life too and whether that aligns with what you want. If someone is looking for a party buddy who wants to go out every night of the week, it’s probably a no go – I’ll be too busy sleeping! That said I think initial chatting (online or other) can be a great way to find out if this is somebody you feel comfortable with and moving forward divulge more details about your chronic illness.

Some people may not be comfortable with this, but the problem about chronic illness is the fact it is just that – chronic. It isn’t going anywhere, or at least not anytime soon, therefore it is part of our lives whether we like it or not. This only signifies the importance of finding someone understanding and accepting even more so.

Like with most things in a chronic illness life there are downsides to dating and sometimes this can rear it’s ugly head in the form of telling someone about your condition/s. As I mentioned earlier I have had people drop me quite quickly after hearing about my health (enter the knob who changed his profile) and I have been judged with all the usual flattering comments – ‘But, you don’t look ill,’ ‘Are you better yet?’ – That is always a fav, like I am going to awake one morning and it will be like nothing ever happened. The sad thing about dating, chronically ill or not, is that not everyone can like everyone and therefore people can and will judge. Sometimes you can bare your soul and sometimes the response you get may not be the one you want.

Saying that it is also about giving people a chance, not everyone you meet will be a grade A ****head. People can surprise you. Sometimes it is about taking a risk and putting yourself out there. It’s also about being honest about your illness and how it affects your life, but pointing out it is not your life. Sometimes when we are ill, it can be hard to see anything else in life, but we are more than an illness and sometimes it is about reminding ourselves of that not just potential partners.

So, our first two dating challenges are down – more to come in the part 2 instalment. FYI – The part 2 instalment is now available here. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with reading (and writing) big blog posts, so I thought on this occasion I would split this into two sections. Next time we shall focus on the challenges of handling a date and managing symptoms on a date. Make sure to follow the blog or my social media to look out for the next part and if there are any particular challenges you would like me to feature – make sure you let me know!

Sarah xx

Anxiety · Mental Health · Personal · Personality

How it Feels to Be an Introvert in Your 30’s – and how it differs from social anxiety

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An Introvert – A shy, reticent person. A person who is often described as quiet, reserved, passive, rigid, silent.

I am happy to say that at the age of 33 I am finally able to come to terms with the fact I am an introvert. Come to terms sounds a little odd when it is only just a word, but the connotations we put on being a shy person in society means that ironically, we often shy away at the notion of being one. Being an introvert implies a level of embarrassment often put upon us by extrovert people who are ‘so out there’ and confident that nothing you do can quite compare to their lavish lifestyle and personalities.

Whilst I now accept my introvert self there has been many moments in life where this has been difficult, fundamentally in regards to my health and interactions with others.

Anxiety vs Introversion

It is no secret if you have been following my blog or have read any of my previous mental health posts, you will know I have suffered with anxiety for the majority of my life. Anxiety in the form of generalised anxiety and OCD, but predominately social anxiety.

Having anxiety has meant I have always been someone who has avoided social situations, kept out of the limelight and tried to be invisible in group scenarios. When I was younger these situations would give me physical symptoms of nausea, shaking, uncontrollable butterflies and notable fear. So much so it stopped me participating in the same way with things as my peers would and interfered with my day to day life.

When I got a bit older I improved and tried to force myself into more social situations. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes I found myself experiencing the overwhelming symptoms of my social anxiety and sometimes I found I just didn’t enjoy being in these situations.

Yet I would push and push myself because that is what everyone around me wanted me to do. Being so quiet wasn’t healthy, being so painfully shy was not going to get me anywhere in life. Not wanting to engage with people was clearly a huge mental health issue waiting to happen. So, I would continue to force myself to please those around me even though I knew it wasn’t want I wanted.

It was only during a workshop I attended for anxiety and depression that this mentality changed, as the facilitator said something that changed my life. He said there was a big difference between wanting to be social and having anxiety hold you back, and just not enjoying being overly social. It was in this moment it hit me, yes in group scenarios with lots of people I didn’t know (or in some cases lots of people I did know) I experienced social anxiety, but in other situations whereby there was only one or two others I was avoiding this situations not because I was anxious, but because I just didn’t want to go – being around others was just not something I overly craved. My personality quite simply didn’t warrant being around others all the time.

My social anxiety was indeed a mental health disorder, but my introverted personality was just that an aspect of my personality. It wasn’t necessarily something to be worried about, it was part of who I am. Realising there was a difference between my introversion and my anxiety was incredibly refreshing and as a result helped me come to terms with who I am and not what others want me to be.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

I except my introversion why can’t others?

The problem with having social anxiety alongside an introverted personality is the fact people assume the whole of my behaviour is associated with my mental health. Me not wanting to meet up with someone automatically equates to me being too ‘mentally unwell.’ Not that I may just not want to.

Of course being an introvert also impacts on how people deal with my chronic illnesses in general, and how it affects people’s perception on my not only my mental health, but physical health too. Maybe because I am so quiet or passive I must not know my own mind, and if I don’t know my own mind maybe I don’t know my own body or my own health.

Being in my 30’s causes more problems with people’s perception on my introversion because being in your 30’s you are expected to have your shit together and to be an overtly confident individual. That I should be able to take charge of my life and have my life set on this particular path – what people don’t understand is it is my chronic illness that has slammed the breaks on that, not my personality traits.

But that’s just it I am confident in who I am, I just don’t display that in a extrovert way. I don’t feel the need to hold attention in a room, or be the main attraction instead I prefer to listen than talk, I prefer to express myself through the written word, I am comfortable in my own company and I enjoy solitude.

Being in my 30’s and having anxiety is a slightly different ballgame. It holds me back from big social gatherings (although these days it is definitely not a loss), and if I were in a position to work it would definitely change the type of environment I would thrive in. But saying that taking my anxiety away wouldn’t change the person I am. I would still be an introvert.

The positives of being an introvert

It’s funny how much the words often used to describe an introvert are that of a person who is almost dialling it down in life. Someone who is taking a back seat, someone who is often overlooked. I feel it is on the contrary, it is just someone who is living life in a different way.

An introvert, A thoughtful, creative person. A person who I would describe as curious, loving, observant, committed, focused. Something and someone to be proud of.

Sarah xx

Chronic Illness · Fibromyalgia · Heat · Summer · Tips · UCTD

The Downsides to Summer Heat When You Have a Chronic Illness

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I feel a slight fraud writing about summer heat when the rain has been pouring down for the last few days. Even so we are now approaching the summer months and whilst many people up and down the country welcome the hot weather, for many with chronic illnesses the heat can be a nightmare.

For some people the summer heat can bring on flare-ups and introduce many unwanted symptoms. You may find the heat actually improves some conditions, but of course this will vary from person to person. However, for those of us who find heat a problem this can manifest in a number of ways including:

  • Increased fatigue
  • Increased pain
  • Dizziness
  • Sensitivities to sunlight
  • Overheating of body
  • Finding it harder to breathe
  • Increase in Hay fever/Allergens
  • Nausea
  • Irritation of skin
  • Struggling to sleep
  • Headaches

So, how can we prepare ourselves for the summer heat?

As we know by now chronic illness symptoms are often out of our control, even in the best of times, but this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do all we can to minimise these effects and try to help ourselves along the way. Remember you don’t need to be sunning yourself on a beach to have heat affect you – even sitting indoors at home when the hot weather hits can be a challenge!

My top tips for staying a cool cat in the hot heat are:

  • Stay hydrated – This is probably a no-brainer, but for someone like me with gastro issues it can be really difficult to keep drinking. Nevertheless, staying hydrated in hot weather is so important when you are sweating more to stop you becoming dehydrated. Dehydration can increase dizziness, headaches and other nasty symptoms, so remember to carry a bottle with you even around the house so you can keep having a sip.
  • Pick your outfits accordingly – When the weather is hot we want to be paying attention to our fabric choices to minimise excess heat. Fabrics such as cotton or linen are ideal in warmer weather as they are lightweight and breathable. For people who are sun sensitive remember to wear long sleeved garments and coverings to protect your skin from the sun.
  • Go indoors – Being a chronically ill person you are probably used to staying indoors and when it comes to the summer heat this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As a general rule you should aim to stay inside during the hottest points of the day when the sun/heat can do the most damage.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com
  • Stay protected – If you have no choice to be out in the sun – always remember to wear sunscreen with a high factor, protect your eyes with UV protection sunglasses and protect your self from brightness by wearing a wide rimmed hat or putting up an umbrella.
  • Eat well – As well as drinking lots, eating is important too to help with our blood sugars. Heat can make our appetites decrease, so make sure in the times you do eat your eating nutritional food that is easy to digest and has high fluid content (to help with hydration).
  • Invest in cooling products – Take advantage of any deals you find on products that will help with keeping you cool. For example portable and/or room fans, cooling pillows, cooling packs, neck fans, sunshades for windows, water bottles, facial sprays, cooling towels, neck wraps etc. For those on a budget there are many DIY things you can make yourself to keep the heat at bay. Even wetting a towel may be helpful!
  • Listen to your body and know when enough is enough – The summer months always put a smile on people’s faces, and because of this happiness it can be hard to listen to a body that is screaming for you to stop. But, unfortunately summer doesn’t mean you can ignore what your body needs. Don’t take your lead from others, listen to your own requirements to keep as well as can be, and weigh up the pros and cons to any situation you are in. Rest is so important in the summer, so don’t forget to factor this into your day as much as everything else.

Here we are everyone, my top tips to staying cool in the summer heat. Like I said before, specific conditions are extremely problematic in hot weather and there is not a great deal that will change about that, but hopefully having some preparation will make it more manageable.

What do you find helps you in the summer months?

Sarah xx